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Philadelphia Office of Sustainability applauds Sixers commitment to zero energy


In a formal recognition of the lethargic basketball being played at Wells Fargo Centre, the Philadelphia Office of Sustainability has commended the 76ers and head coach Glenn Rivers for their unwavering commitment to a zero energy approach to the 2022/23 season. “It is no secret that we are presently facing an environmental and energy crisis, and for me personally it has been refreshing to witness a basketball team so utterly devoid of electricity,” said spokesman Joe Snyder, speaking to the national sports journalists who had already filed their Kyrie Irving think pieces. “Every time the ball is kicked to Matisse Thybulle with 20 feet of space in the corner, you can feel the visceral dissipation of any remnant atmosphere as 20,000 shoulders slump in unison.” Snyder noted that this achievement is less surprising to those familiar with the resume of coach Rivers, who arrived in 2020 having methodically sucked the life out of an athletic, dynamic and talented Clippers core. “Doc is pretty incredible,” chuckled Snyder. “He’s got a knack for remaining just competitive enough that he can stick around to do lasting damage to your culture as a team. There are still some signs of life - the second unit is worryingly energy intensive at times - but then you see Paul Reed glued to the bench and you know Doc will kill those sparks eventually.” Snyder gave a final special mention to the Sixers’ marketing team for their abject refusal to bring back the 2000s era black Sixers alternate uniforms.

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