Pelicans hire local bully to fat shame Zion

The latest in a series of moves aimed at shaping up injury-prone Zion Williamson sees the New Orleans Pelicans bringing local high school bully Buzz Kennedy on board to constructively torment their mercurial talent. “We’re doing this out of concern for Zion”, stressed Pelicans GM David Griffin, who recently inked Williamson to a contract with weight clauses. “It comes from a place of kindness and worry about his health. We think that if he was constantly reminded of how much of a fatso he is, that will be the encouragement he needs to get in shape.” The Pels are excited to get Kennedy into the role, pointing to the high prevalence of eating disorders among his teenage classmates as evidence of his skill. “We consider Zion to be at high risk of re-injury at his current weight”, Griffin confided. “We’d much prefer he suffer from a little mental distress and crippling self-loathing than any outwardly obvious physical impairment that might affect our investment in him.” The Airball reached out to Kennedy for comment, but were informed he was taking Zion through some light warmup abuse.