Charlotte Hornets announce plans to reach net zero watchability by 2025

In a landmark move this week, the Charlotte Hornets have become the first NBA team to officially announce plans to reach net zero watchability by 2025. “This is, as always, a very mediocre time for all of us here in Charlotte,” intoned an expressionless Mitch Kupchak, to a crowd of listless reporters and a TV audience of tens of fans. “It is no secret that we have been trending in this direction for a few years now, but we are making a final push to remove any last vestiges of fan appeal from the Charlotte Hornets. Bringing back Steve [Clifford] is a much-needed slap in the face to any fans who enjoyed our freewheeling 5-out offense last season, and you will of course be aware of the steps we’ve taken to eliminate the sex appeal of Gordon Hayward.” Kupchak acknowledged that some difficult decisions will have to be made along this journey. “We are aware that some fans will stick around in the hopes of seeing LaMelo blossom into a star, and we are working through potential solutions on that front. At some point we will also be obliged to gag Eric Collins. Our focus right at this minute, however, is ensuring an uninspiring basketball product while trying just hard enough to stay firmly out of the running for Victor Wembanyama.” The announcement was timed to coincide with the formal beginning of the season for Charlotte, as they concluded the ceremonial waiving of LiAngelo Ball.